I don't remember ever liking Kimchi. I thought I didn't like it, but after eating it as an undercooked pancake I realize...
it's okay.
I don't remember liking Kimchi but... it's okay. There was a delicious soy dipping sauce as an accompaniment, and perhaps that made it palatable.
While eating the okay kimchi pancake I discovered something I definitely don't enjoy; being assumed straight and being the recipient of man-splaining. I recognize it was unintentional, the man-splaining I mean not the assumption of gender/sexual identity... that assumption was intentional.
I feel uncomfortable when people classify me as straight. I do understand that as a male who isn't attracted to male anatomy I am technically straight, however I think we can all agree sexual identity isn't that simple.
I can choose my pronouns and you can choose them, I will be me.. regardless.
I am who I am.
A rose by any other name.
Eros by another name.
I think the reason I didn't like being called straight is... because it came with a meaning/connotation of being a person who doesn't understand gay or bisexual or queer culture and references, and is therefore not queer. And, honestly, I don't understand the memes that were thrown around, I don't know which song indicates a person is gay and which indicates they are bi or why... I really don't understand the city pop-culture music and meme queerness referenced.
The assumption became a double insult in that they purposefully placed me as an outcast to queerness and as an outcast to their perceived social-circle meme superiority. True that my ignorance of RuPaul and Rihanna and Sweater Weather makes me more country than classy, but not more straight than queer.
I enjoy the word queer: strange... non-normative. Perhaps I'm not DnD non-normative, but I have started to dabble. Perhaps I'm not gay or bi non-normative, but I've never been straight. At this point DnD is so mainstream it's just nerd-bragging rights, as it should be... and maybe that is just a little bit of jelly writing because others find happiness and escape in an imaginative, clever, complex roleplaying game that I never allowed myself to be involved in when I was younger.
Maybe it seems I am getting off topic but let me tie it all together; I chose to avoid DnD as a youth because it was taboo. In the small mountain town where I grew up in the 90's a DnD campaign was more than just a nerdy and satanic occult magic path to hell (I am not even joking), it was an indicator that a person was non-normative in other ways, perhaps sexually. It was a strange thing to do, strange being synonymous with abnormal (a word I dislike), but also synonymous with queer... and queer in that little mountain town could be an asskicking, or death threats. Queer was not a thing you could be safely, although I managed for the most part. Mostly by hiding most my queerness.
I wish I had been in more fights instead of hiding, instead of conforming or backing down just enough to not get an asskicking. Although that is easier said now that I'm older, instead of when I was a high-schooler surrounded by four 6' tall henched lumberjacks (I know some of you queer folk just got excited, but trust me, you're imagining it wrong).
It is easier said now, not in the embarrassing moment cowboy bro makes a big wide exaggerated swing at my head... and I cower away just to look up at him above me, arm still posed aggressively, everyone around laughing. Yeah, it was mostly bullying and intimidation more than actual asskicking, but I'll be damned if it didn't affect me. I regret not fighting more, even if it would have surely been a losing battle.
I did have some decent fights though. I did have my family and a strong group of other non-normative friends to hang out with and support me. It really wasn't so bad and it was far far easier than the battles most openly gay, lesbian, and bi people have struggled with, I am not diminishing the battles of others in any way. I would just appreciate a little acknowledgement for my battles.
I didn't have it the worst but I really didn't appreciate being called straight. I did have a few decent fights, and more than a few times I didn't back down and got pushed around. I think the reason I didn't like being called straight is because there were times I did fight for queer rights, and even though I came from a different place and time, and even though I wish I had been more open, fought more times, fought harder... and even though I am still fighting and wishing I would fight harder.... I DID strive to maintain my identity, an identity that was not considered straight by those who bullied me, and I have a small need to be acknowledged for that, accepted for that, especially by those who have gone through similar identity struggles.
The Kimchi dinner was uncomfortable, I imagine for them as well as myself. I'm not a nightclub city-social pop-culture type kid. I'm not a trash talk kid either. I'm not brain damaged... well, okay, maybe a little but that's just part of my queerness baby. That dinner scene just wasn't my scene. My queer acquaintances just not my people. I respect that. I am okay having multiple identities depending on a persons perspective. I am okay with their assumptions, their definitions. That's just life and I'm just queer... and, for some, straight.
It simply comes down to this; accept it. It isn't their failure to see me. It isn't my failure either. If they don't see me how I see myself I will accept whichever identifier they choose. I don't have to like it and I don't have to agree with it but I can accept it. I can accept what I went through. I can accept they have their own struggles, their own traumas. I can accept all that. I know I haven't endured what many have, but my traumas are still valid. I don't want to dwell on them, but I don't want to dismiss them either.
Sunsets are beautiful.
Roses all die.
Truth is simple.
Traumas are the Kimchi pancakes of life and acceptance is their dipping sauce. It's okay.
No comments:
Post a Comment