It starts with a boy sitting in front of a door, reading a book. A girl walks up to the door and stands there reading a sign that he was too oblivious to notice. She looks down after reading it and lets the boy know the class had been changed to another room. As they walk to the new room together, he looks in her eyes and thats it.
A year later I was in stormy seas. Crashing upon rocky ground, looking for a lighthouse... a beam of hope. I was recovering from a motorcycle accident & trying to get control of a feeling that she was seeing another. There is a trip planned to Australia; with her sisters and friends and there will also be a few days in New Zealand. I am invited. I had always wanted to go to New Zealand. But, the trip is a Catholic religious thing... World Youth Day does not appeal to me; being on holiday with my girlfriend in the land of the Kiwi does. I decide to go but to find my own belief in God and find the strength in myself to trust her. At the airport I decide that the best way to find my own belief in God is to be a speechless monk for the entire trip and try to observe the truth in life. I communicate using my notebook, both with those around me and with myself.
The excerpts:
(At the LA Airport)
Australia $ is worth more
I cannot speak
How much was it? IOU. when? did you like it here or do you remember? not sure. nice shoes. I should keep all my notes... etc. etc.
(On the Plane to NZ)
I accidentally speak. 1st: "hold my drink please, I need to go to the bathroom". 2nd: "no, keep sleeping, you have a few minutes before we get there". 3rd? "Brrr"
I didn't bring my wyd sweater. just my old black one. you should check-in w/me to help explain. i used to work at the airport. I know how bad they treat bags. the night sky looks completely different there. I really wanted my contacts. I can get my mom to fax the prescription? etc.
Lets ask if the flight is completely booked, if we can get seats next to each other, tell them I am disabled. they have them in NZ. say what you want I know its OCD. you are beautiful. it was spelled that way so i could get it issued. from where? we should play bullshit. but ultimately i would have won. we should play something else. go fish.But you have to have a plan. If they can't fix it then what do? free drinks perhaps? or? before you ask plan. ask about this stupid arm rest too! well ask anyway. because I am angry about it!
I thought we could cuddle :-(
Ask about drinks too please. I would like a wine and a water please. lower probablity of crash. maybe. still smells like poop. no, not you. not fart... poop! bajo!
toes: poochi, stinky: baho, scar: peklot, thank you w/respect: salamat-po, oh-my-goodness: i-jest-koo(koh), welcome: mabu-hi, magandang umaga pasensiya na po, Aalis na po ako.
isah
dalawa
tatlo
apat
lima
aneem
pito
wahlo
sha-om
sam po
la bing isah
la bing dalawa
la bing tatlo
etc.
Of course, its like a complimentary souvenir. you know it was designed by computer? watched a show about it... without the screen its a liability issue. SUE :-) you could if you applied the correct amount of complaint pressure. its time. well maybe not tahiti :-/ about II? not exactly II? wine, chicken, water. and socks. if you ask. it is later. why? its not difficult for me. its me. i have fun with it. i am just going to stand for my legs. you have got to check out the restroom... lots of room ;-) which one. did it have a folding door? check out the one in the middle of the plane. wine.
steinlager NZ i like it. if they ask things do your best guess. ALL BLACKS soccer team. more for relax than pain, thats why i only took 1/2.
you ask more than one question at a time so i try to answer both. she is in the back. I watched All Blacks on youtube... Awesome. they do a Haka dance and that is crazy even before the game starts you know. HAHAKA. good cause we'll be drinking it maybe, but who cares, still good. French got their butts kicked in France. avg.
You are great. tell me. you know theres something really sexy about a girl who drinks beer. yeah. hitting on me? or i look drunk? where did you get a cookie? thats all? i love watching you watch the puppies.
I speak again: #5 "Feel it". #6 "It hurts". #7 "thank you".
pure luck? pure luck club? thats what you said. fruit. we are going to be there for a week right? I'm just messing with you. don't worry they don't care. split up the food. I am dehydrated. you should declare the food then. sweet. you should use them to upgrade the flight to first class. what else you gonna use them for? so when your wallet gets stollen? oh, i forgot things don't get stolen in airports.
did you ask about the blankets? trade your airpoints for a blanket :-) you thanked them? and for being nice. from me too? your declaring anyway. i will, its not that heavy... I will carry it after we get out of the airport. Why? i know you said so.
Offsprey. You just like the name tomcat. i hate wasting food. ask ash if she wants any. yes she does. not from your mom. my pistachios. yeah, I'm funny.
(Off the plane in NZ)
it was a better rate in the U.S. I think this is a bad exchange place, .83. they like birds here. i wish i was a kiwi. for the fee. no rush. i saw the green sweater and thought it was you.
I cannot speak. its a vow. what cart? relax. i think i will break my vow of silience. i want to talk to the locals.
---
(just over 13 hours after I become a speechless monk I start speaking again but still keep notes in the notebook, cause thats what notebooks are for; notes)
Vincent & Brenda. Nice people, a bit on the superstisious side of Catholocism... or maybe on the belonging side. They are English and remind me a little of my grandparents on my mothers side. They moved here in the 70's and found friends with the church. They are very nice people but there was one bad experience... Dinner. It smelled like old people diapers. That sounds bad, but smells worse. I ate it anyway, so did minx. She threw up after, but insists it was the sausage we ate earlier at the church.
(missing page)
the Poi was used to strengthen the wrists of the warriors, but now just for show. The house we are staying in feels a bit rigid. 'properness' seems to be tantamount to comfort. just feels a bit English. Reinforces my feelings about the English, rigid in a word. but still, nice people. Today we are to go to a mass in a Cathedral downtown, then finally get to see Auckland.
When we first arrived... Guy. Great guy. so far the kiwi I have enjoyed the most. also met mike from deleware, interesting outlook on life... he does what he can but its Gods world and he has no control over it, so if global warming is imminent then its gods will... craziness in my oppinion... but still, he was good at heart and did seem sincere in his efforts of doing what he can. Ultimately the viewpoint of gods will doesn't change anything. Do what you can, but if we go extinct @ least it is god to blame and not ourselves... allowing god control not only releases responsibility but also allows us to have hope in a better world, assuming you believe god to care about his children. I of course have hope regardless, bus some need a higher power to believe in, and when you look at how well humans have done it is not unreasonable to need the possibility of outside help to have a little hope for this silly species.
V & B are too nice for me to comment on their food. I feel bad for what I have written so far :-(
Saw Auckland museum! Awesome! Then had to walk quite a way to catch a bus to a train which we almost missed because a guy didn't make it on time... in fact only half the group got on the train the other half waited for the fool. Unfortunately for the half that got on the train, none new which stop we were going to... we all guessed wanurewa because thats the name of the suburb we were in... but it was the stop before. so we walked instead of riding one stop back. My legs are still not fully healed and by the time we got back to the church i was sore and tired and grumpy.
But everything worked out and we saw some performances by Samoan, Filipino, Maori and other polynesian minorities. The best was a Haka by some Maori middle-schoolers... the leader was fierce. The minx and I went home and fell asleep immediately, and the next day we travelled to the beach and then to a botanical garden to relax in the afternoon. At the beach we chased some sheep, sort-of... and had a delicious BLT. Afterwards we ate some British food again and Minx got sick and we layed in bed for the rest of the night. I wasn't allowed to stay in her bed because we weren't married, so I had to wait til she fell asleep. Farts :-) Next morning airport. -> Sydney -> spilled beer on the plane. mexican group, bus driver, wrong parish -> lost the car we were following... talky dude... minx super sick...chocolate milk...
(At Church)
So a man without a confirmation and baptism cannot be filled with the Holy Spirit no matter how much god stirs the heart?! phhhhh... The story interpretation - only the original is the 'true story'. so what is the original, real story? we must know before we can listen. smells like unwashed black people in the church. locks us out of classroom @ 9 am. we go to catecism and also I am getting tired of all the preaching all the time... I will never to to another WYD although I don't regret this one... yet. I still have many days to go. The churchs words don't seem to match its actions... love & self-surrender, yet exclusion is there. What I do believe: I believe that I must not believe what I am told without careful consideration. I believe all are gods children regardless of the ritual and superstitions of their own faith. I believe that no one should ever worship ANY man. I believe I must find my own belief and worship in my own way. I shall obey no man as my master, only god. The Catholic church asks that you be obedient to it and to the pope. (NOT I!) I believe in LOVE. I believe in competitiveness. in evolution. I believe in the mystery of the universe. I believe in being content that I may not need competition. life, liberty, and property. I believe in the collective soul. I have come to do your will god, no man nor church. I believe the body is the vessel for the mind, the mind for the soul, and the soul... what is the purpose of the soul?
One of my favorite things about travelling is learning about others beliefs, about others truths! Bishop says "we speak the truth here" Yeah, but what about other peoples truths, not just 'here' just in this church?! Does God have favorite children? and if so, why? He is talking about o'flannery and says wonderful imagination, then says... catholic imagination, wtf? Things I noticed: Overall lack of connection made with audience. The focus on speaking to men and putting women as subservient. Spoke of societies that were aggressive, seeming to allude to the middle-east... but please, what society is not? Speaks of entropy but obviously doesn't know anything about it. Doesn't bother answering the questions he asked us to ask... just keeps preaching. the church says that competition is the cause of suffering... what about different beliefs competing for followers??! Robotic voices "And also with you"
The bird singing outside in the sunshine while we slaves to the church sit in obedience. Grumpy, maybe hard on Steph.
The Pope... I don't think I can emphasize enough how ridiculous I find the whole thing. Who the hell does everyone think the pope is? The minx and I have a major disagreement... She doesn't think the pope needs to apologize for the sexual misconduct of the church figures because it wasn't him who actually sodomized or w/e the little boys. For me he is the leader of the church and as it was that representatives of that church did what they did I think he pho-king should.
I personally think that the pope looks a bit satanic, the sunken eyes, the deep empty stare... I think the devil has us all fooled. Goddamn stupid ass music... Your kingdom come, your will be done.... just repeated and repeated and repeated... I am sure I will edit this to not sound so negative... it is a nice sunny day and for that i should be grateful, if it had been raining I might not have been able to handle this insanity... the left-over pain medication is also helping quite a bit... the people i am with are good people, just misguided in my opinion.
As the pope arrives, in a helicopter! it becomes a selfish fight to the front to see him, everyone pushing, shoving, being completely inconsiderate of others... so much for good will to others. I really could care less and my legs are sore so I just sit while people walk around and over me... but so far not on me. I expect it won't be long before that happens. oh-well.
Is my love for Steph stronger than my lust for other women. Yes, but I wish it was completely so, releasing me from the struggle against my urges... yet that struggle and me overcoming it somehow verifies and makes concrete my feelings for her. I truly hope it is worth it. Must be similar to what a priest feels when devoting his life to god.
At least I have time to reflect on my own life, on my recent resentments toward lifes uncontrollable events. I have been looking for a cause, something to blame, someone to blame. There is no one. Not even me. It is life. And I can not blame life. Not without wishing ill will against it. And I of course can not do that. Ah, the pope is here now... Everyone stepping all over everything... whos to blame? Well, the catholic assholes of course. haha, but i don't care. They all look down at the guy sitting... expectantly... 'where is his reverance? Why does he not stand? go crazy over some old white guy?' Well, I'll tell you, first because my legs hurt, and also because the pope has done nothing to earn my respect, nor to deserve my disrespect... so i remain indifferent.
(pages torn out)
Get in a fight/arg... sort of. Well, I love her, so not much I can do :-)
Prayer is to speak to oneself... and listen... and god answers from w/in. Not in words but in feelings. all that is needed is to listen to the feelings and to follow, then maybe all that esp, womens 6th sense/intuition, etc crap is all just the same thing... not necessarily devine, but all encompassing, flows & travels outside the barriers of all that we know?
Try to take Steph out to Sydney Chinatown... New TaiYuen = Fuckers
(pages torn out)
She would have left me. And maybe she will say that she felt bad because of her sister, but that only means that she doesn't make her own choices, so either way; she choose to leave me by myself or she has no independent will. I don't know if I still want to be with her. it isn't just that but also the pages I tore out of this book. I love here but I don't think she is the type of girl I want to marry. I realize that for me this trip was only to determine whether I would marry her or not... with everything considered I don't think the love we have is enough.
Fuck the pope. Fuck the Catholic church and fuck the inconsiderate Catholics.
This is a stupid trip. I hate travelling in a group. Everyone takes forever when I am ready and it was the time we said to go, or they are rushing me before I am done... now is the day we can do whatever "we" want, and it has been decided that 'we' want to go see the blue mountains... I really want to see Bondi beach but I don't want to go by myself and it would be selfish to talk Steph into it. w/e I will see it tomorrow for sure. Bunch of Catholic kids staying here in this huge olympic park stadium. some are cool, most are just annoying middle/high schoolers. not that it is the m/high school part that makes them annoying, its the catholic middle/h school part.
The rest of the group is sitting around playing cards while the beautiful day is wasting away... when its a church function everyone rushes to get their shit together. I guess they have different priorities in life. This is your life and it is ending one second at a time. Maybe I just need more patience. Maybe I need to live in the moment, every moment. It doesn't have to be a spectacular moment, only that I am aware, conscious. Even the most trivial moments have extrodinary moments within them - like the water drop in slow motion... if you concentrate hard you can almost slow time down - this is your life and every second is an eternity. time moves as fast as you do. be still.
I see more of god in the breeze rustling the trees leaves than in the pope or the church. I like the words the church preaches but i don't like the 'line in the sand' that they draw. only those confirmed and baptized have the holy spirit?! nonsense. God does not have fences to be crossed to be united together. only the internal struggle, the classic dualistic nature of man. And god is both halves of that dualism, the internal barrier is only the recognition of god, even atheists recognize it, they just do it without ritual.
I have that urge to get away from people... the wilderness calls me... Steph is the opposite, she likes groups, social all the time. I see the 'open' and i yearn for it, don't want to look back, just to travel into the unknown openess. We are going to the Blue Mountains right now @ emu plains train stop. I've seen enough train stations this trip. It is already 1 o'clock and we still have a 2 hour train ride... we are going a bit slow, but thats group travel... its not so bad but I wish it was just me and minx.
I feel like an outsider in this group as I do in all groups throughout my entire life. I want to belong but not to this group... not to any group I have known so far. Is something missing in me that is in everyone else? Why do I dislike humanity so much yet want to be a part of it so badly? Why do I love Steph so much yet want to be away from her so fiercely? She told me today, as we stood overlooking the 'three sisters' in the blue mountains, that she knows what I want to say to her. I said nothing. It was cold & stormy & very windy but no rain.
Tommorow I wish to go to Bondi beach on my own. I feel that I will go there in a sad mood and perhaps that is for the best. It does feel as though it is over between Steph and I. A shame but probably for the best for both of us. I have no idea what the future holds for me. I have no money, no job, no love, no hope. I think it is time for a walk-about. I am considering, not seroiusly, but i should consider it seriously, just staying here in Australia and trying to start new. Maybe go to Brisbane and look my uncle up and see if he can help me get established. Run-away. I am always running away. Maybe its time to stop running. But the urge is so strong... if I don't now I will later maybe, and that isn't fair to Steph. I will miss her.
When I get back I will get school set, ask about exchange programs to NZ or Aust., get my business going and get my body back in shape. Then I will graduate and hopefully get a job with some electric car company. Its what I really like, cars & future.
(Got really drunk and drugged @ Bondi beach and told Steph everything I was struggling with, she cried, said the basics, and walked off.) On back page of notebook: Bondi Beach. Really powerful surf, a bit cold. A little bit lonely... me, not the beach. its only about 11am so not so many people here. smaller than i expected. rocks on both sides & maybe 3/4 mile of beach sand. really nice white sand though. looks really clean. i wish steph was with me. i guess thats what i wanted to find out... if i would want her to share my life, my experiences... but now the question is whether my experiences are enjoyable for her, for hers do not seem so to me. I have hated this trip. I want to experience things with her that I can enjoy & I expect she feels the same about the things she enjoys... but if we enjoy separate things then will it work? no. god, i will miss her. how many times have i said it? when i look back i must admit to myself that i am the problem in our relationship. it is me who has the issues w/us. originally it was her w/jealousy and possessiveness, but now it is me w/dissatisfaction & ego. I pray that I may overcome those things and that I can have a good life with the one I love. I am so anti-catholic yet i see good words in the preachings of Jesus. and in others teachings as well. I think I am a taoist if anything... but it doesn't mean i can't pray that I may be a better person and that steph may be a better person and that together we can be a better couple. I think that my major fault is I am too judgemental. Well, Steph made the decision. she met me on the beach and we talked, I told her how I was feeling and she said she also thought it would not work between us and that we should be friends. sure. we can be friends. i hope she does ok. I am sure she will. I am glad it was her that broke up with me, i think that makes it easier on her and i am sure she will find someone soon. and best wishes to her. goodbye steph.
(I continued to stay drugged and drunk for the rest of the trip and to be honest am not sure if the following happened before or after Bondi beach... I seem to remember it happening after, but it doesn't seem to fit that way & the notes get a little confusing chronologically at this point.)
Its a beautiful night and steph decides she wants fries instead of a walk in the park. Fuck her. she knows i am struggling with our relationship and she chooses fries? why?! I think she just doesn't care, or doesn't think about it... maybe its just a high-school crush for her. either way, agian, not the kind of girl for me. But i really do love here and as I write this in the park alone i think, again... our love isn't enough. I will miss her so much. Damn-it, thats not quite fair to her. I didn't tell here I wanted to walk with her, I just said I was going back and wanted her to go with me... still she will probably have lots of health problems because she has no self-restraint w/ french fries. There are so many positive things about her but i don't know if they will be enough. I should decide soon. it is worse not to make a decision than to make a bad one, right?
I just realized the trip itself is what killed our relationship. I had thought it might but for different reasons, i realize now that we each have separate lives which is good, but we shouldn't try to force each other to share those lives. She is always upset and feels left out when I don't invite her to the things I do & she talked me into going on this trip... well, sort of... fuck, i don't know... I have my life that i like separate and she has hers which she wants me completely included in. i don't like her life. i like mine and i like ours but i don't like hers. That probably doesn't sound right, i am not sure how to explain it. Life is a comic tragedy. I am ashamed to carry this backpack. I would be ashamed of being a catholic youth if I was one. They are rude, crude, and arrogant for the most part and if i was an australian i would be a little resentful of their actions and presence in Sydney.
(more torn out pages)
And that, my friends, is the end of the Australia story.
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