By the Beard of Zeus

By the Beard of Zeus! I have just epically failed two exams in greek & roman mythology, so I figure this might help:

Divine Myth: Supernatural beings & Forces of Nature and the relationships between them and gods and humans... a story of creation and origin. Outside Time. Begins before humans, gods, the universe even. Sometimes focuses on ritual.

In the beginning there was Void. From the yawning void came Chaos. From the chaos, Eros, Gaia, and Tartarus came into being. Eros is the passion, the guttural desire that all other creation is formed from. Gaia is the goddess that is Earth, and Tartarus is the deep abyss below Gaia. From Gaia: Uranus (the sky), Pontus (the deep sea), and Composition (mountains). 

The Eros in Gaia and in Uranus produce twelve Titans, three Cyclopes, and three Hecatonchires. The 12TITANS:

• Oceanus
• Thethys
• Hyperion
• Theia
• Coeus
• Phoebe
• Cronus
• Rhea
• Mnemosyne
• Themis
• Crisus
• Iapetus

The Titans are those who “cause strain in you”, the Cyclopes are one-eyed divine craftsmen, and the Hecatonchires are 100-handed giants of limitless strength. Of the Titans we should begin with Kronos, whom is the clever devisor most to be feared. He hates his father, and his father hates the Hecatonchires. But Uranus should have hated Kronos because it was Kronos who overthrew and castrated him. From Uranus’s castration there came the Gigantes, Meliae, and Erinyes produced from the blood spilled, and from the bulk of the tragedy that was thrown into the sea there arose Aphrodite. The Gigantes were giants, the Meliae were nymphs of the Ash tree, but the most fearsome were the Erinyes (Furies) were the female personifications of the wrath and anger of the dead. Aphrodite (Venus) is the goddess of passionate lust, amorous beauty, and unbridled sexuality.

From Oceanus + Tethys come male rivers (Nile, Achelous) and female springs (Eudora,Styx).
From Hyperion + Theia come Helius (Sun w/ 4horses), Selene (Moon w/2horses), and Eos the goddess of the dawn.
From Iapetus + Clymene/Themis come Prometheus (Forward Thinker), Epimetheus (Back Thinker), Atlas, and Menoetius.
From Kronos + Rhea comes ZEUS (Jupiter). Originally Cronus feared an overthrow from his children, as he had done to Uranus. To prevent this from happening he would swallow his children and imprison them in his belly. Demeter, Posiedon, Hera, Hestia, and Hades were all swallowed as soon as they were birthed. But when Zeus was born Rhea handed him a stone wrapped in swaddling clothes. He is hidden from Cronus as he matures to manhood (various stories) and when he does become an adult god he disgorges his siblings (& his replacement stone) in the order they were swallowed. Zeus and Cronus battle for power.

Titanomachy: After Cronus had gained power from Uranus’s overthrow he imprisoned the Hecatonchires, the Cyclopes, and the Gigantes in Tartarus to ensure he maintained it. Gaia was not pleased with this turn of events so when Zeus and his Allies (His siblings; The Cyclopes; Titans Themis & Prometheus) battle Cronus and his Allies (Titans minus Themis & Prometheus; Atlas) she tells Zeus what to do… Release the Hecatochires! He of course wins the 10yr battle. But Zeus soon battles Gaia’s Giants in the Gigantomachy, and the most feared Typhon; “ His human upper half reached as high as the stars. His hands reached east and west and had a hundred dragon heads on each. His bottom half was gigantic viper coils that could reach the top of his head when stretched out and made a hissing noise. His whole body was covered in wings, and fire flashed from his eyes.” Zeus of course defeats his adversaries again.

Prometheus created man and Jupiter saw this creation as a challenge to his now supreme authority. Even though Prometheus fought on Zeus’s side in the Titanomachy there is conflict between them and Prometheus challenges Jupiter to a battle of wits.

Prometheus’s Challenge to Zeus: Prometheus asks Zeus to choose between two sacrificial oxen offerings. The first is a tasty looking piece of meaty fat, however it is really just bones disguised in fat. The second is flesh, but it wrapped in a sour stomach. Zeus chooses the first offering, seemingly tricked by Prometheus… but Zeus is infallible so he knew of the trick and allowed himself to be ‘tricked’ just so he could exact vengeance. Zeus punishes Prometheus’s creation; man by revoking the privilege of the use of fire. Prometheus takes back fire and returns it to man. Zeus returns by ‘gifting’ women to man. But not just women, the next revenge on man from Zeus comes with/as Pandora. (Pan=all Dora=gift) Pandora is a composition of some characteristic or gift from every god. From Hephaestus comes her crown, Athena gives her clothing, Aphrodite charm, from Hermes the ability to lie and seduce and he puts in her mind a dog’s shamelessness. Pandora is not revenge on her own, she is revenge in her actions. Her actions are not even her own fault as she is created in such a way that she can not resist. She can not resist opening a Pithos Jar that contains all known miseries; labor, disease, suffering, hope… but as hope is about to escape Zeus commands Pandora to close the lid. And so humanity is at once saved and doomed to live without hope, to accept with dutifulness and content the misery given to it by Zeus.

Lycaon (King of Arcadia) believes he can fool Zeus with food made of his slaughtered and dismembered child. Zeus is insulted and enraged, transforming Lycaon into a wolf and purging the world of mankind with a flood of biblical proportions. Luckily Deucalion and Pyrrha survive the flood with a little divine help. The are washed ashore at the temple of Themis where an oracle advises them to take the bones of their mother and plant them. The stones (Gaia’s bones) bore forth men and women from Deucalion and Pyrrha, respectively. They also had a child, Hellen from which the Hellenes are born, hence Greece, the Hellenic people.

The 12 OLYMPIANS:

• Zeus
• Hera
• Ares
• Hephaestus
• Poseidon
• Athena
• Aphrodite
• Artemis
• Demeter
• Apollo
• Hermes
• Potentials: Hestia (unfortunately kicked out by Dionysus) Hades (ruled Hades so not on Mt.Olympus)

Zeus (Jupiter): Sphere of influence on mortals is weather as the sky-god, family & kinship as father of gods, law & justice as king of gods. His attributes include representations of an Eagle, Bull, Oak… He is the lord and king of mortals by request of the other gods. He gets around…
From Zeus + Metis comes Athena: bore from Zeus’s own head because he had swallowed Metis.
From Zeus + Themis come the Horae (Hours=Time/Seasons) and the Moirae (Fates).
From Zeus + Eurynome come the three Graces, the attendents of Aphrodite.
From Zeus + Demeter come Persephone.
From Zeus + Mnemosyne come the nine muses that are the inspiration to the arts.
From Zeus + Leto come Apollo & Artemis.
From Zeus + Hera (Juno) come Hebe, Ares, and Eileithyia. 

From Hera alone comes Hephaestus whom she bore to compete with Zeus’s birth of Athena. Hebe (youthful bloom) is the cupbearer to the gods and wife of Heracles. She is clumsy though spilling the cup and losing the cupbearer position to Ganymede, a mortal from Troy whom is made immortal. Ares is the god of war and battle and influences the bloodlust of battle. Eileithyia is the goddess of childbirth. Hephaestus is a craftsman of unparalleled skill, the god of fire, metalworking, and craftsmanship. He is the craftsman of civilizations… but he has a deformity of the feet, causing him to be expelled by the Olympians. He hates Hera for the expulsion and builds a throne for her that will trap her when she sits in it. She does sit in it and although all the gods try to free her, none can. The Olympians send Ares to try intimidate Hephaestus into releasing Hera, but it doesn’t work. Dionysus then is sent and succeeds in bringing him back to release Hera.

Hephaestus uses a similar set-up to trap his wife Aphrodite with her lover Ares, only it was a bed not a throne in which they were caught. Not only was Hephaestus there to witness the scandal, but so were all the olympians. This time it is Poseidon who is the to convince Hephaestus to let them go.
Dionysus, the god of madness & ecstasy (standing outside ones self; ec:ex=out & stasy:stasis=standing). 

Usually seen with his Double-Handed Drinking Cup the Kantharos riding exotic or wild animals. Dionysus was often followed/accompanied by Satyrs (Horse/Men) & Maenads (one driven mad). He was born twice because his mother (Semele) was unintentionally killed by his father (Zeus) while she was with child. When Zeus saw he had killed Semele he saved Dionysus by sewing him into his thigh until he was of a birthing age. Then the baby Dionysus is given to Ino to be kept hidden from Hera (who had arranged for the ‘accidental’ death of Semele). Ino hides Dionysus by putting him in a costume, disguising him as a girl, but the costume does not fool Hera and she is drives Ino mad… having her jump off a cliff into the sea… pity is taken on her and she becomes a sea deity. Hermes takes Dionysus away from Hera before she can kill him. He escorts Dionysus to Nysa where his tutor Silenus teaches him the splendid art of wine making. Hera eventually finds Dionysus and drives him mad, and so he wanders the world in a state of madness until he encounters Cybele. Cybele is the goddess of ecstatic rites, and so she is able to cure Dionysus of his madness… Dionysus sojourns in Phrugia and meets king Midas who is blessed/cursed with being able to turn everything he touches into gold. Dionysus cures Midas of his curse by giving him the wisdom to wash his hands in the river Pactolus. From the river Pactolus the coinage of greece was produced and the boatman Charon was from thence forth able to collect his toll. Dionysus continues to wander and is kidnapped for ransom as he is having a cerveza on the beach. The pirates thought he was a prince, unfortunately for them he was a drunk god. The helmsman figures out he is a god and tries to convince the captain to release him. The captain doesn’t believe him even after the rope bonds fail to hold Bacchus, the lines turn to grape vines on the mast and a bear magically appears… well, after the bear appears the captain starts to believe but it is too late at that point. Bacchus is angered at the captains stupidity for failing to see the divine signs of a god so he turns himself into a lion and kills the captain. The other sailors see this and jump overboard. As they were far from shore Dionysus feels merciful and changes the sailors to dolphins so they don’t drown. For the helmsman who recognized his godliness he grants lifelong happiness with unlimited cerveza.

Athena vs. Arachne:
Legend: Humans (Hero & Heroine) in quests usually with the slaying of monsters. Distant Past with an element of truth.
Heracles: Son of Zeus (disguised as Alcmena's husband) & Alcmene. Hera, as usual was upset about Zeus screwing around and being the plotter that she is got Elitheyia to postpone Heracles & Iphicles (Heracles super-fecundated twin) birth so he would not become High King. His cousin Eurystheus was born into the High King position and Heracles seemed bitter about this from the very beginning, strangling Hera's snakes as an infant and beating his music tutor to death with a lyre in his early youth.
Hera still had issues with him and after he had married King Creon's daughter Megara (and bore children w/her) Hera induced Heracles into such a state of madness that he slew his own children. Amphitryon is witness to this. In recompense (according to a Delphinian oracle 'on the take') he was to complete 10 tasks given to him by his Thebean enemy cousin King Eurytheus. The FIRST: Nemean Lion. strangled it and brought back the hide cut off with the lions own claws. The SECOND: Lerneaen Hydra. 9 heads, each neck grew double back when cut off. Heracles nephew helped with a little cauterization. The THIRD: Cerynean Hind. Not a big deal except it was Artemis's Hind and he had agreed to return it, luckily it was too quick for Eurytheus (the king setting these tasks for Heracles) and ran back to Artemis. The FOURTH: Erymanthian Boar. No big deal except he gets a bunch of centaurs drunk and they are not normally happy drunks. In the fighting some poison arrows go flying and one hits Chiron, an immortal centaur. He is in so much pain that he gives up his immortality to Heracles. The FIFTH: Augean Stables. 30 years worth of 'divinely healthy' bullshit had built up and he was to clean the stables in one day. He did so by rerouting some rivers, many greeks downriver never forgave him. He then killed Augeas for not given him the cattle promised for the epic cleaning. The SIXTH: Stymphalian Birds. They were man eating birds that could shoot their metallic feathers like arrows. There is some correlation between this story and the origin of the constellation of Sagittarius. The SEVENTH: Cretan Bull. Got it & Eurytheus wanted to sacrifice it to Hera, but she would have none of it as Heracles was the one who caught it. So they just let it wander around Marathon. The EIGTH: Mares of Diomedes. Horses who lived on human flesh. And in this case, Giants flesh as Diomedes was a Giant and the way Heracles caught them was by feeding them their own large master and binding their mouths as they ate. The NINTH: Hippolyta's Amazonian Girdle. Aw-yeah. Except he kills her because Hera starts a riot. The TENTH: Geryon Cattle. The Geryon was a three bodied, one headed monster that was fairly easily dealt with. The rustling of the cattle was a bit more difficult as, once again, Hera gave him some trouble. And so, the ten tasks were complete... or were they? Eurytheus claimed that neither the Hydra nor the Augean Stables were reasonable recompense as he received help and received payment, respectively. So... ELEVENTH: Apples of Hesperides. Talks Atlas into getting the apples for him while he holds the heavens (w/Athenas help) for a bit. Atlas gets the apples but must be tricked into taking back the heaven holding duty. TWELFTH: Cerberus. Just needed to bring three Geryon Cattle femurs...

After the completion of these tasks Heracles decides to take another wife, Iole. However he kills all her family, even her brother and at that time his best friend... that damnable Hera madness again. Well, easier than twelve tasks; three years servitude to Queen Omphale of Lydia.
Deianira, the next wife... unfortunately she is already taken by the river god Achelous. No problem, Heracles invents the cornucopia. Heracles is short and is unable to carry Deianira across the river, i know, i know, but even Heracles has his faults. Luckily (Unluckily) Nessus the centaur is willing to carry her across. But after crossing he gets a bit frisky with Deianira and so Heracles takes a poison Hydra arrow from his quiver and shoots Nessus right in his testicles (i added that part but it seems fitting). So as Nessus is keeled over in pain he tells Deianira to collect his blood and semen and use it as a love charm if Heracles ever has eyes for another woman, which Heracles being the son of Zeus, is sure to do. And sure enough... Deianira gives him a shirt covered in the blood/semen and melts his skin right off. No one would lite Heracles funeral pyre, no one except Philoctetes (or Poeas) (or Iolaus). As the lighter of the pyre Philoctetes receives Heracles bow and quiver which will be used in...
THE TROJAN WAR: Peleus marries Thetis the sea-goddess. She must have had tattoo's because she was nothing but trouble, but not of her own doing, just... you know how those tattoo girls are. Her friend Eris, the goddess of discord gets quite upset that she was not invited to the wedding, but there are just some friends you shouldn't invite to formal events... Eris shows up anyway and throws a golden apple into the mix of goddesses and yells that it belongs to the 'fairest'. Being the stuck-up goddess that they are, Hera, Athena, and Aphrodite all reach for the apple. To settle the matter (without bias) Zeus proclaims that Paris (Prince of Troy) should judge. All three goddesses bride Paris for their judgment. Hera=Power, Athena=Wealth, Aphrodite=Helen. As Helen was the most beautiful woman in the world it was not that difficult of a decision. He travels to Sparta where he 'steals' Helen from her husband Menelaus and sails back to Troy. Odysseus and Menelaus go to Priam and demand Helen back or there will be war. Priam says bring it on. Menelaus is a little upset at losing the most beautiful woman in the world and he gets Agamemnon to assemble a war fleet at Aulis... and they sail to King Telephus's kingdom and assault the wrong city. Oops. But it works out because King Telephus ends up being their guide in exchange for Achilles healing his wound. They would have sailed immediately except Agamemnon pisses off the goddess Artemis. So she had the winds blow against his fleet. Agamemnon sacrifices his daughter Iphigenia and so the winds blow with the Spartans, and so begins the first nine years of the Trojan War. 

Now, during the war, there is some complication with women, even more so than that tattooed tart Thetis... Agamemnon takes Chryseis, the daughter of Chryses, an Apolloian priest as his own and refuses to free her for Chryses's ransom. That just pisses Apollo off and so a plague is cast upon the Spartans, to which Agamemnon returns Chryseis to Chryses and then demands Briseis... But Briseis is Achilles concubine and when Agamemnon takes her he refuses to fight. Not only does he refuse to fight but he goes and cries on the beach. His mom Thetis hears him crying and gives favor to the Trojans in the battle. As the war continues Menelaus and Paris have their own duel to settle the matter, but Paris isn't that good of a warrior and ends up being dragged off the battlefield by Aphrodite. She drags him all the way to his bedchamber where she then forces Helen into bed with him. Hector and Andromache have some cherished moments with their son Astyanax (Spoiler Alert) who later gets tossed from the top walls of Troy. The battle begins to turn against the Spartans & other Greeks because of Achilles being such a big baby and crying to his mom, so Agamemnon thinks it might be good to get him back; he sends Odyesseus, Ajax, and Phoenix to give him back Briseis and convince him to return back to battle. Sort-of works, he rejects the gifts but eventually returns to battle... but first lets Patroclus wear his armor into battle, warning him not to pursue the Trojans back to the gates of Troy. Patroclus ignored him and was stuned by Apollo, then wounded by Euphorbus, and finally cut down by Hector.
Achilles then complains to his mom again and gets Thetis to persuade Hephaestus to make him new armor and goes to pay vengeance on Hector. After many slewn Trojans in quite a few more battles he finds Hector and chases him awhile until Athena convinces him to fight face-to-face with Achilles. He doesn't do so well (dies) and gets dragged around behind Achilles chariot for nine days until Hermes and Priam plead with Achilles and convince him give him back for his proper funeral rites. Penthesilea, the Queen of the Amazons, arrived shortly after Hectors burial and killed many men, including Achilles... but again, Achilles cried to mom about getting killed and all and so she resurrected him. But more to the common version of the story: Achilles killed so many of Apollo's followers that Apollo guided a poison arrow shot by Paris into the infamous heel of Achilles. Odysseus holds back the Trojans and Ajax carries Achilles... but then they both want his shiny awesome armor. Odysseus was awarded the armor and Ajax was so pissed he starts killing in a frenzy, killing a couple rams he believed were Agamemnon and Menelaus. He woke up the next morning with such a bad hangover that he decided to kill himself by using Hectors sword to stab himself to death in the armpit... it was a really bad hangover...

So, after ten years of fighting the Greeks build a wooden horse. I think we all know this part. Odysseus and Epeios put it together; Sinon convinces the Trojans to take it in; Laocoon is wise and "fears greeks bearing gifts" (someone should have mentioned that to the EU) but gets strangled by Poseidons serpents before he can tell everyone; Neoptolemus, the son of Achilles, kills Priam on Apollo's altar; Ajax the lessor rapes Cassandra; (as spoiled) Astyanax gets tossed from the tallest walls of Troy; Aeneas fled; etc, etc. 

HOMECOMINGS: Diomedes ends up in Italy after first being nearly sacrificed to Ares, and then almost getting killed by some Athenians who didn't realize he was a greek, and then finding his wife being adulterous. Nestor made it home without incident. Philoctetes goes to Italy and founds some cities and a sanctuary to Apollo.
Curse of House Atreus: Ok, is this one messed up story... So Tantalus cuts up his son Pelops and attempts to feed him to the gods. Only Demeter eats a shoulder, and the other Gods feel bad for Pelops and, better than the kings horses and men, put him back together again... with a shoulder of ivory. They banish Tantalus to Tartarus where he spends eternity being tortured by thirst and hunger. Pelops grows up and wishes to have Hippodamia as a wife, but must first out-chariot-race her father Oenomaus. With the help of Myrtilus he replaces the wheel bearing of Oenomaus's chariot with wax and so when the wheel falls off and the chariot flips and Oenomaus is crushed beneath, well, he wins Hippodamia. Pelops promised Myrtilus one night with Hippodamia for his help with the chariot but then reneges, so Myrtilus just abducts her and runs off. Pelops catches up to them at the top of a cliff and throws Myrtilus off, but as he falls he yells a curse on Pelops house... The curse falls upon his sons Atreus and Thyestes. Thyestes has an affair with Atreus's wife, so Atreus cooks some of Thyestes children and serves them to him. An oracle tell Thyestes that to get revenge he must sleep with his own daughter. So, he rapes his daughter Pelopia and she bears Aegisthus whom kills Atreus. Agamemnon and Menelaus are the sons of Atreus and they eventually overthrow Thyestes. Agamemnons wife Clytemnestra invites Aegisthus to rule with her while he is away in the Trojan War and when Agamemnon returns, they both murder him. Agamemnons son Orestes and his daughter Electra plot revenge and kill both Aegisthus and Clytemnestra, but for some reason the furies are upset about Orestes killing his mother-parent... and they chase him all the way to the the Temple of Athena in Athens. There he is judged to have not committed the crime of parent murder as a mother is merely a vessel for the fathers seed and so is not actually a parent; as seen by the birth of Athena from Zeus. 

Folktale/Fairytale: Didactic story of humans (ordinary, children, magical beings and fairy godmothers) that start oppressed/victimized and end up living happily ever after. Once Upon A Time. Fable: Similar; Didactic story of talking animals in problematic situation. Timeless/Placeless.