The Boy Who Ate Too Much Paracetamol

The boy who ate too much paracetamol and other fun facilitator stories: 

“Do you have your med kit?!” Nina rushes over in exclamation. “Sure” I respond not overly alarmed as Nina has a tendency to see the worst in every situation. I pull the first aid pouch from my day bag and ask her what's going on.. She says “Some kid isn’t feeling well, and we wanted to get his temperature, in case it’s a flu or he is sick and my thermometer was out of battery, and I borrowed Jeff’s but his thermometer is low battery and so I came over here and I hope you have one that has a good battery, or a spare battery…” I hand her my 1980’s mercury-lead old school thermo in my kit as she continues “... they really should check the thermometers, or make sure to have extra batteries before we go out on program…” She pauses her monologue and looks to me for validation. 

I refrain from speaking my mind, “ We should all have looked through our med kits before leaving on program” I had quickly looked through mine but I hadn’t checked the thermometer because firstly, it was mercury, and secondly, I hadn't even thought of it. So I wouldn’t have been saying “I am better than thou” only that a med-kit is the first aid facilitator responsibility, and we are all first-aid certified so we all should have checked. Assuming ‘it’s all there and okay’ is a 101 rookie mistake, ‘so let’s learn from this’… would have been my only intended meaning… which may have been lost in her current stress, so I said none of this and handed her my thermo and simply stated “Well, mercury doesn’t need batteries… so, uh, there ya go.” My attention to her situation had checked out after she had said ‘possible flu’, because that not emergency level worry, and because there were two facilitators and an educator already huddling over the poor kid. So, I figured someone should keep an eye on the rest of the year 9 potential situations. 

This all happened on the second day of program. Which made it the first full day of the whole group interacting. The activities included making Tie-dyed fabrics, Pineapple paper, Beehive & Lip Balm products, and an improv karaoke performance ice-breaker. There was also a ‘Tom-Yum’ business design competition. Groups were chosen somewhat randomly, so ‘my’ students were distributed into the dozen other smaller groupings. This med-kit situation happened at the end of lunch just before the ‘Tom-Yum’ group design presentation, which means ‘my’ students were dispersed.

Nina returns with the mercury thermometer. She is calm and informs me in a single sentence that the kid of concern with the possible flu was a boy from ‘my group’. We will call him Eb. “Eb is feeling okay now," she says, “but you should hold onto the mercury thermometer in case you need to check on him.” Sounds reasonable to me. She then adds “the other thermometer wasn’t a dead battery only low” Which I find to be an extraneous, redundant, and useless bit of info and not relevant to me and also I was quite tired of hearing the world thermometer by that point. I nod and the day continues with tie-dye and elephant dung pineapple paper, and finishing on site with the “Tom-Yum design” presentations. I check on Eb before the next activity (Safari!) is being arranged. He says he is feeling “okay” and after I assess his general demeanor, disposition, persona, whatever… I agree with him. We are about to go see wild Elephants and Guar and be In The Jungle properly. I was sure by the look in his eye that even had he been feverish with late stage dengue… he would absolutely be “okay” for Safari. So I say “Well… lets go on;. Safari.!” I wanted to say, "Fucking Safari!.. Dude!" But, I kept my professional mask on. I did replace the F-amplifier with a Gene Kelly verbal half skip of step and tone. He understood I understood we would not not go on Safari. He definitely seemed okay.

The entire program jumped into the back of a dozen or so insurgent style pickup trucks complete with cattle-guard stainless steel railing sidebars and wood slat bench seats (TiT - This is Thailand)... and off we ride into the Sam Roi Yot National Park. We saw a lone bull elephant taking his sweet time in life, emperor of the jungle style, walking at his own pace, his timing, aware of all us ape-descendents on the hillside, and not worried in the slightest. A beautiful 5 ton behemoth. Amazing to watch. 

Note: The reduction of the wild elephant population in Thailand from over 100,000 a century ago to under 4,000 today is cause for concern. And for a few reasons, not the least of which is the increasingly frequent and increasingly aggressive conflicts with humans (especially pineapple farmers) who are encroaching on their territory; somewhat related; https://www.bbcearth.com/news/teenage-elephants-need-a-father-figure

At another roadside lookout we see a matriarchal elephant herd with baby ‘Ella’ in tow. Then we witnessed a reunion of an adolescent male being trunk hugged by the matriarch. After the hug she paused for a few seconds and then pushed him away. She pushed again when he moved forward, then she turned her back and returned to the rest of the herd. She left him to stand there on his own. The social intricacies of elephants are a little sad a times but also deeply interesting and, imo, as complex as humans. We were lucky to have with us some biologists from the Bring The Elephants Home program to help explain our understanding and theories of their behaviors. The day ends well. Well, besides some kids in my group having a snickering conversation about anal prolapse within earshot of the Thai guide, which embarrassed her quite a bit but we pretended not to hear it… but I scolded them pretty severely afterward. The day ends well.

On the bus the next day there is some concerned talking amongst the educators to be heard. An announcement is made that a check of medications is needed and any students with any medications of any kind need to notify staff and register their medications. I enquire as to what is happening and am told a student had an overdose of paracetamol. They don’t offer the name of the student, so I figure its a sensitive topic and must be one of the students on the other bus, so I let the educators handle it. There are a few aggravated phone conversations between bus groups and finally a confiscation of a sore muscle ointment. That is the last I hear of that. Or is it? You probably know where this is going by now.

Fast forward 6 days to end of program; I am asked to fill out an incident report for Eb. I say “I wasn’t really involved, not much I can report about… it would all be second hand information”. Greeny, the program manager, insists I fill out the paperwork since Eb was under my care. Okay, sure I say. Seems to me the person who handles an incident is the one who should write up the incident, but what the hell, no big deal. So, I fill it out, hand it in, and conflict immediately ensues. Apparently Eb was the boy who ate too much paracetamol and that was the incident needing to be reported. “How was I supposed to know that?!” I declare. “You should know what is going on with the students in your care.” is the reply. 

“Yes, of course, but someone should have told me.” 

“The educators had pulled him aside, you should notice when one of your students is pulled aside.” 

“Again, yes, I noticed and knew he hadn’t been feeling well, but for how often students ‘don’t feel well’ and are pulled aside… especially my group… I should have been notified that it was a serious incident "

"Still your responsibility”

“I should have been told”

This basic accusation/defense rapport lasted a minute or two, until she finally responded with something along the lines that if I wasn’t aware enough to know a kid could be taking medications that could be fatal I wasn’t responsible enough to be a facilitator. 

That hurt, and I quickly shot back with, “Fine, but Someone should have told me.” I put an obscene amount of emphasis on the ‘someone’. She absolutely understood that as the program manager it was her responsibility to have shared that knowledge. And that was the end of program.

Post script; I felt guilty and upset when I found out about Eb. I was genuinely angry that I hadn’t known the two events had been linked. If I had known it was Eb who had ‘overdosed’ I could have had a heart-to-heart talk to be absolutely fucking sure I knew what had happened and if there was any kind of ‘cry-for-help’ in his actions or simply a medication mistake. These are year 9 students, they are in that most fragile of all human conditions between innocence and sin; adolescence. There was also the possibility it was other drugs or alcohol or something else and the cover-up was a paracetamol story. 

Part II The cast of characters:

The boys of my group (Pod B):

Eb. A strong character sometimes was waiting to be expressed beneath a layer of… perhaps, self doubts. He helped balance the group and assisted in keeping the group decisions in line with my intended learning objectives. He seemed authentically interested in the process of discovery, of which I was attempting to facilitate. I was fortunate to have him in my group.

M. Allergic to ibuprofen (and yet no issues for the entire trip, go figure, I would have suspected he had the paracetamol reaction except he had explicitly stated it was only ibuprofen). He was pleasant, intelligent, and inquisitive. He was also one of the core group of trouble makers, which means, one of my whole group.

Av. He will grow into a man we will be proud to know, he will be someone who will choose his own path. That path will be aligned with his own compass, which proved to be pointed in a principled direction. I had a lot of respect for Av.

E. and C. They were the most collaborative, and if there was trouble they were 100% of the time at least 60%  involved. One of them will help make the other a better man, or one of them will influence the other way. I can’t tell which is which but I wish them both all the luck in the world, I hope their friendship lasts a lifetime.

An. Intelligent and questioning. Curious to know more and also able to slide between the social dynamics. He is able to fit into each dyad combination of the other students, including the other groups. He also has great influence potential, and the potential to be influenced as well.

The girls of my group:

Ab. Ph. and K. They were a bit too forward and flirty for me to be able to relate to them on a deeper level. And as they acted as a single mindset unit they were treated as a singular entity. They were learning how to use their charm and feminine sexuality to influence the world around them. I did my best to not give too much positive reinforcement to their attempts at manipulation while also not dismissing them entirely and causing any insecurity. They were all smart and clever, and without any malice as far as I could tell. K struck me as more genuinely interested in the experiential knowledge of the program, while Ab and Ph were more interested in having a vacation and flirting with the boys and the facilitators. I do wish they had been more focused on the environmental and ecological issues I was trying to present to them all, but… they were year 9. They will learn later in life that interest in a person is superficial, but interest in a person’s interests is the key to connection.

Other notables:

D. from Team 1, Pod A. He was solitary but had a loose and dynamic connection to people in every other group. He was someone that I could relate to, as I was that student archetype. Very intelligent, unsure of himself in personal interactions and socially awkward but also projected a confidence in his own abilities. Contradictory in character at times. Other notables loosely related to him were also aligned with archetypes that I had had as friends at that age. The introverted pale redhead with the beautiful singing voice, along with her short haired friend; a clearly dynamic best friend group. They were the best of the talent show singing groups… Who else? There were so many others I barely got to know, mostly the 2nd Pod B group. 

There was a lot of trouble caused for me by my group, but it was not entirely without my permission, or even encouragement of minor individual expressions at times. I would rather have learned that Av knows how to show apology through action, and Eb manage his mistakes without assigning blame, and Aa navigating the complicated social intricacies of choosing his path, or E forgiving his friends for bullying (even when it was presented as a joke, but making it clear he understood.. that we all understood it wasn’t.. and then publicly choosing to let it go anyway, which earned him some respect from the others), or C beginning to show trust and vulnerability, and not needing to present his tough character all the time… I would rather have learned all that and dealt with the complications than restricted their actions, which would have required them to mask and build their responses to the mistakes of life without support.

Other characters:

Kit. A man who understood my motivations, or at least gave support to allow me to make an honest connection with the students. Trust was built by breaking down the barrier of authority between the students and I. This is a fine and difficult line and I couldn’t have done it without him taking the position of higher authority when needed. There were many high level good-cop/bad-cop negotiations applied for that to happen. We let them run wild, learn, behave, be responsible, run wild, learn… repeat. I would absolutely be honored to work with him again.

Greeny. A wonderfully intelligent and kind woman who wields a sharp tongue and fiery personality, sometimes without a filter. I enjoyed being on a team with her immensely. We did have a few battle of the wills, but they were all of minor import (in my opinion) and I hope I meet her again someday in the world.

Boss. His position was the most difficult, according to him, and there were minor dramas constantly between him and Greeny. He had a dark, dry sense of humor that was quite enjoyable to chuckle with. His misfortunes always started with ‘John, I have a story…’

Nina. She was brilliant with running kids games, but anything improvisational caused issue, and she was physically weak… possibly emotionally weak as well. I hope she builds her strength as she travels through this life.

Patrick. A man who was showing some of his age, but he had the kindest soul, the kindest eyes, and the most beautiful smile. I think he had as much, if not more, connection with his group as I had had with mine. I wish I had been able to witness and learn from his approach. Maybe someday. 

Jeff. He was my antithesis. Extremely structured and set on following all rules. His nightmare was on-the-spot applied sociology. I made the greatest of efforts to place our groups into situations which required just that. That is just my style. We didn’t get along the best, but when things were following the pre-structured plans he had many qualities to contributed to the program.

Chadel. What a great guy. Like Patrick he had kind eyes and welcoming manners of behavior. There was a little bit of a rigid perspective to program design and outcome but he had the joy of exploration and curiosity to share that many students really connected with, and I did too. I have so much respect for his teaching style as well.

Armand. Arrived for final days of program. Newly appointed upper management sent to observe. He was a good guy that joined us for ambiguous reasons, it was a little out of place but nothing too uncomfortable. He was enjoyable enough to be around and I wish I’d had more time to get to know who he is.

Ha. We can begin the story properly of the program with the naming of my group. 

No, actually, let’s start all the way back to pre-program. To the first battle of the wills with Greeny. It was a very small issue to erupt, and the only directly personal point of conflict with Greeny (besides the incident report eruption on the final day). This issue concerned her managerial choice of “PFD’s required” (personal flotation devices; otherwise known as a life-vest) for all facilitators (ME). This is pre-program. I am a rescue certified diver with first aid and cpr training, Chadel is lifeguard certified, and we were, all of us, hired with the understanding that in an emergency situation we were to be capable of handling it. And, in the case that we weren’t, wouldn’t it be good to find out which one isn’t before we are escorting 40 high testosterone/estrogen hooligans down the river? The chances that I would get into a dangerous situation given the KSA’s (Knowledge, Skills, and Abilities) of myself and the group, the ease of flow of the river, and the disposition & vibe of our group was less than one percent for sure. Way less; .001% and for Greeny not to be able to recognize that or understand the situation makes me question her risk awareness and assessment skills. Or, perhaps, she was simply exercising command control tactics to position herself as leader of the show. Before entering the river I wore it, as it was a new place for me, but after an hour and our stop for lunch I knew there was no need to put the hot, sweaty, bulky, annoyingly useless life vest back on. As we entered the water after lunch she demanded quite strongly that I needed to put my PFD on. My courteous acquiescence to her orders to keep my vest on was done from a place of respect for the necessity of leadership in a program of this type and size. I simply told her I was not in any danger and I was 100% confident in my skills on this lazy-river float kayak excursion, including helping any of them if they weren’t as confident. She said that it was an issue of insurance and we must all wear them. She said that nobody cares if I were to die but it would be too much trouble to deal with. I couldn’t tell if she was trying to lighten the mood or was upset at my ‘help them if they weren’t confident’ quip. I simply looked out on the 40C sun reflecting off the brown meandering open river and nodded. FFS I thought to myself, let me enjoy preprogram. 

My acquiescence opened the door for Jeff to have delusions of grandeur vis-a-vie his place in the social/program hierarchy and so he attempted to give me orders concerning my footwear on the hike. I responded politely while also expressing in my tone the sentiment that he was having some delusions of authority. He made a few other attempts at exerting authority later in the program but I ignored it and went on about my business of giving the students all of my energy and attention. I don’t like playing the politics game, but i do like learning from others. Greeny had a tendency to micro-manage. I learned I macro-manage. 

An educator gives information & meta-information on how to apply the information & also influences the student with their pedagogy style. A facilitator gives space for students to process that information, sometimes undoing the meta-knowledge and questioning the pedagogy to allow unique perspectives and processes to be self-discovered and self-taught by the students. 

So, the naming of the group. I’ve decided that actually, I will keep the rest of the experience and stories for myself. It was a wonderful group of kids and teachers and facilitators, and although that very last day could have been better for a few reasons, all told it was a trip with fond memories that I won’t soon forget.

I will instead, reflect on another program some months later:

It is a shame in this reflection not to be able to tell all about the students who exceeded expectations in nearly every assumption I had made of them. To tell of the connections, trusts, rumors, classic modern palace intrigue and drama, moments of joy, sadness, excitement, exhaustions shared and laughed about, all the anecdotes.. The Sea Gypsies, cooking classes, Gibbons, beach day and bee stings, long bus rides and weak bladders, photo-journalism and the moment of beauty in the understandings expressed, understandings of complexities inherent in all we humans do, stories of Muay Thai and classic Thai dancing, requests for wet-naps to clean the bottoms of designer flip-flops (Not all expectations were exceeded). It is a shame I don’t have the time or energy to share the moments of witnessing beautiful sunsets after storms. I am not able to tell all those stories because this reflection is about the storm itself. It is a story that had it varied in half a dozen critical ways would have erased the possibility of those stories happening.. Ever happening. I don’t think I am being dramatic in that assessment. And because of that I feel sharing this story is important. The lessons I learned, if learned by someone else, could save lives.

If those kids had died, any of them, it wouldn’t have mattered how much I had been pressured or how my concerns had been diminished, I would never have forgiven myself.

The night before the storm, before the snorkel activity, I expressed my concern and made it clear to the entire group that I was feeling some significant apprehension. I said I was stressed about the next day. Eline gave the best response possible in that situation simply saying, “What can we do to help?” I responded, “Please be flexible in the plan.” I expected we would cancel the boat the next day and that would necessitate running our last-minute, day-before formulated, alternate activity; a visit to the turtle rehabilitation and aquarium. I had expected the captain to refuse to sail. But I shouldn't have assumed it. So, instead of saying ‘Please be flexible in the plan’ I should have said, “Please support me in the opinion we should not go out.” I believe if I had said that the group, and therefore Omo, might have taken the situation more seriously, because I do believe everyone would have supported that opinion. But, I made a passive statement. A lesson learned; leadership does not come from passive statements.

The battle against going out began pre-program and continued throughout. We had many repeated conversations about the likelihood for rains and wind, the same that had been battering Northern Thailand and were heading down to visit us on the South Coast. A query had been made, by my most beautiful & intelligent wife, about contingency plans in that event. Omo, our program manager, laughed and said, “Well, maybe everything will be okay, hehe.” That was a huge red flag. I shrugged it off, since that was still pre-program, and I’d been told multiple times that I had no choice in the final decision, that my position was only in an advisory capacity. I was told that I would be required to discuss risks and share opinions, but Omo would have the final call. That relieved my responsibility so I didn't push too hard at first. I figured we had a few days for her to come to her senses when the storm arrived. Lesson learned; pay attention to the red flags.

Pre-program continued, not much discussion about the news and weather reports from around the country detailing the severity of the storm, the flooding, the lives lost. Not much discussion about the weather apps, all of them stating 20-30 knot winds. I was told we would go out on anything less than 25 knots. I told them (Omo and Shannon the Program Coordinator) that 25 was very strong for a snorkeling trip and it couldn’t possibly be correct. Ultimately, these discussions were relegated, by Omo, to “Let’s see the night before”. Sure, the night before, but how about plan a contingency a bit ahead of a night before! I was told we would go out if winds were less than 25 knots. Less than 25?! I said anything near 20 is no joke to play around with, that even 15 isn’t something we want to be snorkeling in… but I was reminded I’d agreed to leave the final decision to PM. Omorose. She was correct that I had agreed to follow her decisions, and if she made better ones she would make a good leader. There is a chain-of-command structure needed for a program of that size to run smoothly. I am American so that kind of ‘business is war - military organization required’ mentality was not unknown to me.

But, as soldiers will tell you, that mentality only goes so far when you're really in the shit of it. On the morning of student arrival, as if an exclamation punctuation to the coming events, the Boeing carrying the students nearly had to be diverted to an alternate city. The storm from the North had taken the stage. The 737 workhorse of the sky only landed on it’s third aborted attempt due to the severe cross-winds. I imagine the traffic controllers in charge of decisions for flights that morning; I imagine their level of stress as each aircraft fuel tank sips towards empty, and the other nearby airports fill with their own circling over-capacities. While the passengers and pilots wait suspended 1000’s of feet in the air above mountains and seas.. perhaps an airline manager somewhere had chosen to send that flight out instead of canceling because they 'would wait to see'. Life is just one continuous near miss if we really pay attention.

Even after the eventful arrival of the 60 plus students, and the increasing likelihood of very severe weather, Omo decided snorkeling was still a go-ahead plan. This is even after my beautiful & intelligent wife had mentioned a very significant fact to Omo; all other local snorkel & dive boat companies had canceled their trips. But we were again reminded of the Standard Operating Procedure of 25 knot wind limit. I submitted. The moment for active command of the situation had passed and so I was resigned to letting it play out until the captain called off the trip the next morning. Lesson; Do not become complacent in acceptance of authority. 

The next morning (day two of the program; snorkeling day) a few rays of sunshine broke through the storm clouds and the winds died down to near calm from the night before. Boss, our logistics manager, confirmed with the boat company that we would be going out because the weather report had stated 'only 17 knot winds'. Perhaps we were all lulled into the ‘maybe everything will be okay’ ideology of Omo, or the ‘responsibility rests with us’ corporate mentality, or the 'follow chain of command' military mentality. Whatever the reason, we found ourselves at the pier an hour after breakfast. And so we stood there. Stood looking out to a mild but dark sea with a light chill breeze coming from partially cloudy skies. The clouds laying over the horizon like a half-lidded sleeping dragon. We stood there. A scuba instructor with over 4000 dives, a rescue certified Dive Master, and world record holding free-diver. Three people who had enough knowledge and experience between them to know going-out was a bad idea. It was a bad idea. And we did know. So, why did we go? Perhaps the uncertainty of how to handle the program due to the unprepared contingency plan? Perhaps the military style of the follow-commands company culture? Perhaps we really did think everything would be fine? The image that comes to mind is of a blue plastic boxed floating pier, cracked and broken in places, stretching out to the horizon while the snorkeling boat floated gently at the mooring, rocking back & forth with pleasant expectations. There was a breeze like on a summer day, leaves rustling, grasses gently bending. We stood there and we were fooled, and we were fools. Lesson learned; know what you know and admit it, don't be a fool to yourself.

While underway in moderate choppy seas, although two students were seasick and vomiting over the stern sides, there was nothing of immediate concern. We sailed without incident to Khai Nai, an island 2/3rds the distance to our destination of Khao Yao Yai. but, when nearing Khai Nai the waves became more severe. It was clear that snorkeling, even anchoring, was not an option. The entire beach was covered in rapidly breaking meter+ high waves. Again, not an immediate concern, we still had two choices at that point, to continue on to lunch at Khao Yao Yai or turn back. We carried on. We were extremely lucky we made that decision because it was at this point some serious facts became known. Firstly, the boat was over capacity by 4 persons. This would not be an issue in normal seas because most of the passengers were youth and the weight capacity had certainly not been exceeded. However, the boat was running on two engines instead of it’s designed three. That meant it was significantly underpowered. Also, the storm had blown over the eastern shore of Phuket and was heading out to us, blocking our path back. At this point we knew, without doubt, that we were in the beginnings of a real situation. Lesson Learned; when you get to a 'at this point', that point is too late.

Had it not been for my beautiful & intelligent wife, there was a chance some of those children would have drowned. No, not just a chance, a high chance. Had we been caught in that storm on that boat, some, many, of those children would have drowned. My wife advised me a second boat was needed and she took charge of arranging that. So, we continued on to Khao Yao Yai and luckily, after a few tense minutes of motoring up and down the coast looking for a protected cove, we found a reasonably safe anchor to unload the youth, educators, and facilitators. We walked to the restaurant, had lunch, watched the storm approach, and waited for the second boat. The rescue boat could not immediately reach us because of the storm so we focused on the activities for the students; played a couple assumptions puzzles that are as follows:

Romeo and Juliet are lying dead in a puddle of water and broken glass. What happened?
(They were fish in an aquarium). Looking back, this probably wasn't the best riddle to present as a storm approaches.

And

A man and his son are driving in a car one day when they get into a fatal accident. The man is killed instantly. The boy is knocked unconscious but still alive. He is rushed to the hospital for immediate surgery. The doctor enters the room, looks at the boy, and says, “I can’t operate on this boy, he is my son.” How can this happen?

The students could ask yes or no questions and would then try to figure out the answer.

As the storm came near I chose to distract the students. But not the educators, instead, when I had an opportunity, impressing upon them the potential severity of the situation so they would stop complaining about not heading back on schedule. I was not overly concerned because we had made it safely to the island and would wait until it was safe to go back across the sea. Meaning we would wait until the winds were manageable, however long that would take. We were also waiting for the second boat to ferry us back in two groups because of the overcapcity/underpowered issue on our outbound boat. So, if preparations for dinner, or ultimately accommodations were needed, then the management which had sent us on this stupid-fckng less than 25knt snorkel expedition could arrange that. So, we waited and watched the darkness approach. When the storm hit, it had 30 knot gusts that had the students running to put their life jackets back on. They were on land. In a restaurant (open air), but in a restaurant. If you have never felt 30knt winds please trust me they are dramatic, about the equivalent of 55kph. The chairs were blown backward, sliding across the open patio, and the rain came, in sheets, blowing at us all horizontally. We were safe, but we were lucky we were on land. The weather eased temporarily and both boats, which had found shelter in a leeward cove, were able to return to anchor in front of the restaurant and take us onboard.. and so we all scooted quickly back to Phuket mainland before the next squall. 

That night I yelled at Omo a bit, and in the heat of the argument she snapped that if it had been such a danger I should have cancelled the trip. You can imagine my anger at that statement. I replied that risk assessment is like walking an edge and that I had handled my responsibilities by making sure everyone came back safe and that my beautiful & intelligent wife had really been the hero that day, and that she, Omo, had failed her responsibilities by putting us all in that situation after I had, no, after we all had, expressed the potential dangers. We went at it for a bit that then the whole team had some chamomile tea and went to bed. The following days snorkel outings were cancelled and substituted with the turtle rehabilitation tour and so everything else worked out just fine. Stories and connections happened and made for a great remainder of the program, the students and the educators never realizing how close to that edge we had been. And that was it, it was over and almost as easy to forget as any other near miss. Almost. The lesson learned; The responsibility is always your own, no matter who says otherwise.

Notes I found in an old notebook, it is possible that I retell some stories, I dunno, just gonna transcribe it all regardless. Harrow DoE 11-14 Staff was amazing. Hero award goes to Harry as a great mentor giving guidance without taking control. The definition of facilitator. He was helpful at all time with great suggestions for everyone but never getting in the way of letting Intee lead. Intee balanced active management while keeping his cool when issues arose, and always delegating tasks with care. Greg was a great asset to have on the team and as capable a facilitator as they come. Kelly was capable, a bit bossy but seemed to bring it from a place of genuine positive intention. Emlynn was a rockstar & Rohit was so playful it was borderline... well, just intensely playful; a good friend to have on the team. So, all-in-all very very high accolades for the team. I will also say the office team and coordination team earns high marks in terms of program operation, but information and accessibility to clarifying answers regarding dates and times and overall expectations were a little lacking. This is clearly a sign of growing pains for JUMP! and, imo, should be considered a low to low/moderate level priority issue. In terms of sustainability JUMP! does not receive high marks (These notes are from a program a couple years ago, and I must say that even on this most recent program the amount of plastic waste was ridiculous), in fact I give it a failing grade overall. I was the only facilitator to bring a reusable food container, and that ended up only being used for repackaging the take away food from other disposable plastic bags and boxes. So, overall, failing sustainability, management communication needs improvement, program organisation had a couple hickups but nothing worth noting, and facilitator and leadership get top marks.

As for the program itself. The children were set up for failure. They were unprepared and under educated. Students can Not be assessed on knowledge they were never given. We, as facilitators, had a responsibility to guide and educate, but there must be some preparation by the school to give them foundational understanding, or we will not be able to help them build up to, navigation, for example. Haha, it was fun though, the poor kids, we were told not to help them, to let them guide themselves and figure it out, and my paired instructor was being exceptionally adamant on not helping them, so I didn't, and I let them get proper lost. We got so lost it started to push my comfort levels even, to the point I had to cancel their independence and lead them back to the trail. I am certain that is not how the DoE scheme is intended to work. The students themselves I found difficult to hold in any esteem, the youth bemoaned the whole adventure as unfair, confusing, and pointless. I must admit, it seemed that way to me as well by the end of it.

Not very fulfilling to be part of a pay-for-certification program. I don't see how any of them could have passed, not knowing how to read a compass.. and, I do feel some of that failure was on me, but I was told not to teach them, that we were not instructors but there to facilitate the safety and manage the group. I could have taught them though, with a little foundational understanding and more time, there really were a few in each of my groups with potential. It was interesting that the teachers didn't ask the facilitators for a debrief or an opinion on the capabilities of each team or individuals of each team.

Day 1 Team 2; Andrs and Baibua showed above average interest. Andrs had natural leadership abilities, and combined with Baibua high intelligence and physical aptitude they could have led that team anywhere. Day 2 Team 5; Isabel was the most interactive making all final decisions on direction for the group (All wrong, but they needed to be made and the logic was correct, just the information and starting point location were misjudged). Racheal, the teacher, insisted they not receive help and navigate on their own, and so her and I encouraged them to do it themselves. However, I still needed to show them how to use the compass, otherwise they were just guessing at direction and just following the needle N. I know I have already said it, but what the hell was the point to the assessment if they weren't even given the skills of compass reading?! I educated them in depth about pros, cons, possible choices when lost... I certainly can not be said to have interfered with their own leadership and map reading, or giving them the answers to their directional choices as they made all the wrong choices. It was enjoyable to watch them overcome the challenges in a real situation, and there was some pride in my ability to navigate us back to the trail after an hour of being lost in the Thai jungle. They definitely learned some life lessons and regardless of DoE they are one step further away from childhood and one closer to being a capable adult. Oh, and the map inconsistency... (the trail had been adjusted and the topo map they were given was incorrect, I was told not to tell them and let them figure it out, but that was not the correct call and I ignored that order, they were given a map that they should have been able to rely on, they were not in an advanced navigation course).

Program 2: Sam Roi Yot. Office management and information flow still needed some improvement, the training itself was well done and valuable. Schedule was adjusted without consulting me first, a bit presumptive to just tell me I would be on a 10 day program instead of the agreed 8, but I had the days free so it wasn't an issue. There was some confusion with accommodation and transportation though, nothing major. Day 1 pre-program was travel and hike, followed by kayak on day 2, and fishing village and mangrove walk on day 3. Time management was lacking but attitude of everyone was good. At the fishing village I asked some questions, one of them was if sharks were ever caught in their nets. They said only baby sharks, I made a note to delve into the significance of sharks in the ecosystem with the students. The kayaking discussion of swiftlets were mostly just a list of random facts. I mentioned that originally the demand for the nests caused populations to drastically decline, but now there are more protections to prevent people from natural harvesting so the eggs and babies in the nests can mature into adulthood, and there are farms where they are breeding and domesticating them to be a food supply for humans, however we should have a discussion with the kids about the implications for that on the future of human interaction with ecosystems, or some such commentary. There was an awkward silence for a few seconds in which I believe it was meant, "sure you go ahead if you wanna do that"... and then the conversation resumed on general facts of birds (interesting, but we need to push these students to consider the world, not just regurgitate information when we ask them to). The next day was day one of program, and that brings us right back to the boy who ate too much paracetamol.

+++

Budapest & Nagykovacsi. Sept 1-7 2024. Nakita; an absolute gem of a human. I arrived late, well, on time but it was late at night so to avoid inconveniencing the other facil’s Nakita invited me into her home. The next morning we were up early organizing and introducing each other to each other & to the entire group. Then off to Nachkovashi we went.

Nagykovasci. A small suburban town in the outskirts of Budapest. We had a contract to facilitate ‘community days’ for the beginning week of the American International School (AIS) school year. There was some tension within the community between AIS and locals, but it seemed to me nothing more than small town politics. And I will save you the suspense, that is all it was.

It is the 7th today and I was not making notes during program, so now I am sitting at Margaret Island recalling these last few days. Live music everywhere in Budapesht. Dogs too. And birds. Are they magpies? The ubiquitous birds flying everywhere here in Budapest? Josh and I were having a conversation about the soul of Hungary, the differences we noticed, the public quiet, the slight speeding of cars but oh-so subtly, discussing the things we couldn’t quite articulate. It was an interesting conversation about a place that was still healing from the aftermath of a world war, and was also noticeably tense about a possible repeat in the near future. Josh. What a cool dude. Strong vibes of Christians’ doppleganger. I hold them both in high esteem. William. Anisha. Jenn. Marta. Yuri. Fab. Fabriccio has a good personality but seems to have the same general PM attitude toward risk as Greeny had. On preprogram I was not allowed sandals for the hike. I imagine the stress of putting together that entire program was quite heavy & without knowing me I think the hesitation to let me hike in flip-flops was understandable. I was about to get away with it except Yuri (Also a cool dude) opened his big mouth about hiking in flip-flops as a joke. Fab said, definitively, we could not. However, when it was explained that the pair of tennies I had packed had had the sole fall flat off them, Fab allowed me my flops for pre-program. The hike was extra easy and honestly could have been done barefoot without issue.

Program was not remarkable. I am a little disappointed in my facilitator performance. By the last day I was in full teacher/entertainer mode, but by then it was the end. It is difficult having this profession on a part-time basis. It is a headspace that takes a minute to get into. Sensitivity requires lies of course. Emotional strength allows the mirror truth. The unprotected view into thy own soul. Too soft an emotional quotient and it will break a person. Too hard and we wouldn’t even be really looking. The reaction of sensitive people to otherwise normal situations is often exaggerated, and then the accusation that the situations are to blame instead of the sensitivity.. is absurd.

So many Hungarians own dogs. So many walked through Margaret Park. I have yet to see one poop, or someone picking up poop, or poop left anywhere on the grass. Do Hungarian dogs poop? I saw a puppy which reminded me of Bruno, a ridgeback mix I think. She had the very same ears and a very same movement of oscillating curiosity that I remembered in Bruno. I actually stood up to do a double-take as she was walked past, her owners a young couple, smiling and happy. 

(I got up and walked around a bit after this, losing the storyline of my intended program notes)

There was a large High-School or Uni EDM gathering in the middle of the park. Also a wedding. Also a kids d-day party. What a wonderful day to be walking through the park and community. Lots of public displays of affection.

It is nice to be able to take my shirt off next to the Danube. It doesn’t feel strange. Many others are lounging in very little clothing. The sun is setting, the tourist limo-taxi boats cruise by. The Danube. An apple core washes ashore as speed boats aggravate the waves and the opera on the shore behind me is silenced by the reverberations of the tram travelling down from the bridge above. Beautiful people, tourists and the elderly, all existing so harmoniously as the sun sinks slowly into the wide river, it gives me a feeling as though I was a little drunk. The feeling is fleeting, and as the tour boats turn about to broadside the sunset for the shareable influencer moment I see a young woman pick up and examine a half shattered wine glass. She sets it back where she found it among the river rocks. A boat named The Nimrod passes, showing gaudily a large website advertisement, presumably for tickets to ride The Nimrod, which also broadsides toward the sunset just before the bridge. The sun is low now, the boats let the current take them down river, the tram seems to have scheduled a moment of silence for the sunset and the opera can be heard faintly escalating to a softly sustained crescendo. I don’t know much about poetry, but at that moment I could have been living no other description.

Speaking of poetry. The next night, the last night we were all together in Budapest; Nakita was a star at The Baul performance; a deeply mystical minstrel experience. I was moved, and more than that rooted in a trance as the voice and rattle of the ankle bells told a story to me, to my genetics, to the deepest part of my physical self. I can hardly describe the hint of ancient magic that flowed between the performer and us, the collective audience. On the ride there I missed the trolley stop, by a lot, but we had enough time. On the ride back we saw lots of people, youth, elderly, everyone, sitting on the framework of the trolley bridge watching the sun set. Josh and I spoke of politics, sociology, philosophy and while we spoke of Putin & Ukraine (a sensitive subject to chat about in Hungary) we avoided speaking on the genocide in Gaza. It is strange that we are so conditioned to avoid that topic. Nothing will take a man out of a romantic reverie as quickly as being shit on by a bird. Perhaps an Israeli tank shelling might.

Ah. William and his Wild The World attitude. Anisha was a wonderful soul too. Marta and Jenn were also at our last dinner together. Jenn had brought little balcony lights and we all shared food and then stories about ourselves a little deeper than what would be expected for people so newly acquainted. Josh deserves much credit for that. He had the skills to relax the layers around ourselves. I stayed one more half day and half a night, again at the gem Nakita's house before a 4am departure from Hungary.

Arriving in Amsterdam. Very early in the morning. Average autumn day, slightly overcast. The cool breeze flowed directly through my psyche and calmed me in a way I hadn’t felt for a long time. I do believe I need the seasons to balance my mind and my heart. I had a full day to explore the city and so went to a money exchange station, which was only a group of ATM machines. My card had been frozen so I was without financial remedy. The thought of spending the entire day in the airport was too depressing. None of the escalators or walkways worked, a strike on the public transportation sector was planned the signs declared. I wasn’t sure if that was related to the escalators and not-moving moving-walkways, which I thought might be taking it a bit far. How is it that cash is not accepted anywhere and yet still all the technology is falling apart? I feel like that should be a warning. 

I eventually sorted it out and had a wonderful breakfast in the park outside the Rijks museum. What I notice the most in Europe (Hungary and Holland anyway) is the quiet background. Not that there wasn’t sound, only that the sound wasn’t noise. There exists so many peaceful spaces where people can exist away from the traffic, away from the cacophony of ‘progress’ and ‘civilization’. Bicycles everywhere. An occasional tram bell, very pleasant to hear. And there is music, live music, almost every block. Not overpowering or overplaying each other but on each corner had someone playing something, a handpan, or violin, or singer, or keyboard, or saxophone. There was a construction site adjacent to the museum but it wasn’t in operation. Just a barrier for foot traffic. There was a saxophonist playing. I stopped an looked around. I remembered everything being so much more grandiose. Not to say the Rijks isn’t still, as a building… but… it just FELT so much more when I had been young. The world has softened. The edges are gone, the corners are rounded. I listened for a bit, then walked over and tipped him. He paused, looked at me and said “Thank you.. Have a good new year” in a clearly Italian accent. Have a good new year he said. And with that, I didn’t need to go to Nepal. Nepal wasn’t the place I was supposed to say my final goodbye. It was at the Rijks museum. I nodded to the man, said have a good new year, and sat back down to listen for a bit longer. He played ‘my way’ as a bicycle rode by, the man on the bicycle wore a shirt that was written Ashes to Dust. I would still like to spread the last of Dad’s ashes in Nepal, but it no longer felt like a necessity, there was no burden of it any longer. I spent the day there, until it was time to go, in the Rijks museum park, rummaging through fond memories and watching the pigeons and people walk by.