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Friday January the 13th 4:08am

Jetlag has me awake. Insomnia & doubts. Why did I run away? I know why, but, I am ashamed... well, yeah, no, my first goal was to have a life with Jay. Or was it? Self-actualization is a tricky boulder to roll up a hill. I am not going to jeopardize what I have with Jay just for some small social justice cause. I will sacrifice but I have my limits. Doubts though. Is it really a small social justice cause? I don't think it is for the people who are treated as sub-human. Was it really just me being weak of character? Was the DA really out to get me? How strongly do I believe our government has become tyrannical, how far has it slipped into the Kafkaesque (I can't believe that doesn't try to autocorrect). Am I on trial? Will I be? Am I living an Orwellian existence? Are some of us more equal than others? Can I really do anything about it? 10am. Still no sleep. Still so many doubts and questions.

Choose Your Own Adventure. 

Shasta County Edition.

Choose Your Adventure: Late at night you are driving the dark freeway into the mountains north of San Francisco. There are many things on your mind, the death of your father, the falling out and recent reconciliation of your brother, your wife awaiting you in Thailand, the memory of the beautiful hike you just had in Big Sur, and of course your mother's new house where you are bringing your most sentimental belongings in preparation for your move to Thailand. The hike and the late night reconciling with your brother has left you more exhausted than you had expected and with the late start you are a few hours behind schedule. You notice you are in a somewhat empty agriculture and rural residential area. Up ahead is a sign for Camping World, a place that you stayed many times while on the American Covid Roadtrip across the country. You know they have an open door policy for overnight parking, but you could probably make it a bit further before you really get tired. You A: Keep Going a Bit Further B: Consider Risks of Sleepy Driving and Stop.

A: You make it further into the mountains and on a downhill curve nod off just for a moment, side swipe another late night drive and both go plummeting into a ravine. The End.
B: You pull into Camping World and take a moment to appreciate a business that allows tired travelers a place of rest along their journey. You lean back your seat, call your wife, tell her about your day and find out all about hers and maybe even flirt a little... but lets keep it YA appropriate shall we?. As you are talking with your wife a pickup truck pulls up behind you with bright headlights glaring directly through your back window. What a dick. It must be the Camping World security is your first thought. You get out to see what his major malfunction is. You ask your wife to hold on while you try to see into the ten-thousand lumen headlights. As a big man walks up on hard you realize it is not security. It just is a very aggressive police officer demanding answers to questions you don't even register. You A: Respond as a citizen who has broken no laws and expects the respect and common curtesy of introduction any human is due. B: Act subservient and fearful of the cop and his threatening demeanor. 
B: Is not an option for a man with self respect.
A: You ask for the officers name and question his right to harass you in such an aggressive manner. He escalates his wording, tone, and threatening demeanor. You demand to speak to his supervisor. He forcefully handcuffs you, places you in the police truck, and then calls for his supervisor. As you sit there wondering what his major malfunction really was, your beautiful wife records the interaction and the subtle threats made by both the officer and his supervisor all get recorded. You realize they mistook you for a homeless man instead of just a man in his hiking regalia. The officers cite you for camping and sleeping and send you on your way, telling you there is a rest stop further up the road... even though you are at a rest area. The world doesn't make sense sometimes. You continue on your way but need to decide how to handle the citation. You A: Postpone plans to go home to see your wife in order to make sure the case gets dropped and justice is served. B: Stick to your original plans and fly to Thailand as planned, what's a warrant anyway, eh? 
A: Write your story, email elected officials, make complains against officers, attempt to get your story public locally, call and email the DA office, contact the ACLU, contact private attorneys. 
B: Your relationship and mental health are not adversely affected and you live and love happily ever after. The End.
After writing your story in journal form and sending emails, and realizing how shit it must be for anyone homeless living in Shasta Country you realize this is not how Americans should be treating other Americans, let alone humans treating humans. But nobody really cares and you make no progress. You begin to research and analyze the situation you were just in and juxtapose it to the state of affairs' America seems to find itself struggling with currently. As a citizen who believes that active involvement in government is essential to a functioning democracy that leaves you with only a couple choices. You A: Decide to escalate the situation and fight the charges, staying in Anderson and protesting by becoming voluntarily homeless. B: Hire a private attorney, nevermind, they wanted $3000, that's a bit much for a reststop in Anderson.
Since you were going to Thailand it is easy to become homeless, your lease ends at the end of the year anyway. A short but eventful week ensues and you learn a few valuable life lessons and after returning to Thailand anyway you write a short satirical choose your own adventure story at the end of your journal of events. The story doesn't end there though, because nearly a year later the DA decides to pursue the case, despite the evidence you provided to show those statutes didn't apply and the officer was not only in the wrong on judgment and morality and attitude but also on technicality.

Back in Thailand I was so angry at myself for quitting. I hadn't even really gotten started. Sleeping is a human right, right? How can a person be charged for sleeping? Why not just make it illegal to breathe in public, I mean not anyone breathing, just if you are homeless; 8.25.010 Breathing in public and certain private places prohibited.
Within the city, it shall be unlawful for any unhoused person to breathe:
A.In or on any public right-of-way, including any street, alley, roadway, easement, median, irrigation canal, or embankment;
B.In or on any public park or trail or upon the grounds of any public facility or property, whether improved or unimproved;
C.Upon any unimproved private lot unless such use is with the permission of the owner and permissible under the city's zoning ordinance or;
D.Upon the premises of any private, commercial, or industrial property unless such use is with the permission of the owner and permissible under the city's zoning ordinance.

I am not going to apologize or cater to the courts and the Shasta government. They are in the wrong and I will stand by my principles, come what may. I quit out of fear. I was afraid of the storm I was riding my bicycle into, the hundred year storm flooding (although the news always exaggerates, what I witnessed on that night outside the library was severe). I was afraid of being alone and lonely in the city of Redding protesting with nobody there to witness my protests. I was afraid of being distanced from my wife. I was afraid of retaliation from the APD and the Shasta DA, and I still am. They don't care for justice, they only care for statistics. Both are cold uncaring agents of the Vogon state. It's just bullshit. People need to treat people better, but first they must recognize that people are human. Here I am 12,000 miles away from Shasta County and waiting to hear when they may decide to pursue the case and I am still angry at the way I was treated, the way I was made powerless. The court date for the 27th, I was required to show up but then I wasn't even placed on the docket, which was good because I was already in Thailand. And here I am now with four weeks notice to appear for arraignment and I am right back in this moral struggle of deciding whether the cost of pursuing this is worth what change, if any, would result from going all the way back for arraignment. What if go all the way back, plead not guilty, and then the DA decides to drop the case? $3000 in plane tickets for nothing. What if I hire a lawyer for $3000 and same result? This is not justice. I would rather just have a warrant, I have little inclination to return to America anymore anyway.

The rest of my journal is mostly my existential midlife crisis notes, some fun anecdotes, and mundane life scribbles such as phone numbers and grocery lists and such. A few fun excerpts to finish this chapter; The elevator is 1x2m. Has a "Keep Your Distance" sign. Ah, Covid, ha. How TF you gonna keep your distance in that tiny elevator? Ride one at a time and don't breathe or wait for the air to circulate? Its a "Take The Stairs" sign really. So, we put our luggage in the elevator, hit the 3rd floor button and then ran up the stairs to meet our luggage. A couple was already waiting at the elevator and it was pretty damn funny seeing their faces as we made the level and they were looking at the luggage all alone filling the elevator. Hotel Shenanigans. It was good to be back with Jay.

February 1st. Packed up the car. Packed it up further, and then a little more until every sq.cm was filled. We had house plants on our laps when we finally drove off. First stop Khao Yoi climbing area. It felt good to be on our own, making our own way again. We explored the Wat and the larger area, and of course the climb routes. Plenty of monkeys, plenty of spiders. And a brightly colored large lizard. I learned, once again, that my fear of heights is greater than my fear of spiders. Hotel at Lanna, great food at LaMae. Then the cars transmission crapped out near Chumpon. We spent the night and limped into Krabi. 

February 2nd Midnight. One month since I was so adamant about fighting the system, so adamant that I was going to be a champion to fight injustice, the injustice of a cold american judicial system... I was going to... what was I going to do? "...[go] down to the demonstration, to get my fair share of abuses...". I wanted to start the demonstration, but when has it changed anything in the past? Am I just rationalizing my avoidance? Give to the world that which you wish to cultivate. Frustration and anger have no place, so, you are powerless, helpless at the hands of the government? Yeah, you and everybody else. Lead with love, with understanding, with patience. Nobody is your enemy, even if they see you as theirs. Champion a better future with simple acts. Just quit. Isn't that the greatest protest you can affect on a system which relies on feeding on your energy? Please trust me in this.

Well, shit. Now that I am rereading these notes, that actually makes quite a bit of sense. Maybe I should just shrug off a warrant and let the homeless... maybe I should Live and Let Die. I imagine Guns and Roses to be popular with the homeless.

The Thai word for adventure (ผจญภัย) translates to "Facing Danger". That resonates. "Civilization is defined more by what we forbid than what we permit". The jungle cacophony of sound erupts at dawn here in Thailand. A good night sleep is worth more than money. I have many other such notes that fill my journal, yet at the end of the journal, here I am, 12,000 miles away, waiting for the other side of the world to wake up so I can start calling lawyers and contacts and people who can help advise on course of action for a man charged with criminal sleeping. Quitting this insanity is really tempting.